Is the U.S. Government Secretly Arming Against Vampires?

September 1, 2009

The conservative-leaning American Decider magazine this week published a story claiming that the Pentagon is developing a devastating new attack helicopter, specifically targeted at vampires. The craft, which the piece says would be a next-generation Apache, is said to be armed with a specially designed automatic gun that could deliver 10,000 hardened Ipe spikes per second, with potentially devastating effect.

The article also makes reference to a secret program nicknamed “New Dawn” that is said to be developing a V-Bomb — a phosphorous explosive device so powerful that it could simulate daylight for a square mile.

The main source for the piece is disgraced Defense Department operative William “Wild Bill” Simens, whom the magazine describes as a “notorious procurer, famed for cigar waving enthusiasm and prodigious bourbon consumption.” Although Simens was publicly excoriated for his role in a number of post-9/11 prisoner rendition cases, it is believed that he is still employed by the Pentagon. He is quoted in the article as saying that the Defense Department planned no specific action against vampires, but considered the arms “kind of a version of ‘trust and verify.'”