Groundbreaking Duet Tops Charts

June 3, 2009

NASHVILLE — The first recorded human-vampire duet, “Friends ‘Round Midnight,” featuring pop country sensation Dink Whitney and sultry vampire chanteuse Etoile Abbatre is expected to chart at #1 when the latest new-country sales figures are released this week. According to justcountry.com editor Mark King, “It’s the biggest dual-audience, country/ballad phenomenon since Willie and Julio.”

The news comes on the heels of reports that Whitney, recently divorced from his wife of eight years, has been seen squiring the 700-year-old torch singer around his ranch in the south of Australia. Representatives for both singers laughed off the rumors, and Abbatre’s rep insisted that her client was thousands of miles away in Atlanta, preparing for a new project with rapper-producer Haffa Crunk.

GOP Bigs Eye Vampire Bloc

June 2, 2009

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Leaders of the Republican Party, still stinging from big losses in the ’06 and ’08 elections, have begun a sometimes contentious public debate about broadening their base to include an emerging constituency — American vampires.

“If we don’t broaden our appeal, if we don’t find a way to add to our base of social conservatives and the South,” said New Jersey moderate Sen. D. Shaw Attenberg on a Sunday morning talk show, “then we might as well head to the coffin ourselves.” Conservative radio host Buzz Chiplock immediately criticized the notion with a slur-laced response: “I realize that most politicians are naturally comfortable with bloodsucking. But the day we lay down with the undead is the day we give up — literally — the soul of the Republican Party.”

Other GOPers, including new party chair Michael Nickels, seemed to leave the door open to vampire voters. “The Republican Party has always been the party of inclusion,” he said in a speech Monday. “In the 19th century, we welcomed freed slaves. Why not vampires in the 21st? Heck, some of them might even be the same folks.”